A poem I wrote in 2008

I just found this gem in an old Facebook chat. Apparently a friend had asked me to write a submission for an adoptee newsletter or something and this is what I came up with.

My dog Terry is neat.
He always wants to eat.
For breakfast I give him shredded wheat.
His favorite food is meat.
He gets excited when I say Treat.
He’s hard to catch when he runs down the street.
When we’re playing poker he likes to cheat.
He’s popular with bitches in heat.
He gets pissed when I’m sitting in his seat.
When I’m watching TV he licks my feet.
He gets grossed out when I beat.
Off.

I don’t think it got printed.

posted by Michael in Whatever on 5/17/2015 | No Comments

Hey asshole, put your dog on a leash

LIK returns from its very, very long hiatus (7 months!) to bitch about these fucking people who think it’s ok to let their big dogs run around the streets of Seoul without a leash.

Since last summer, Terry has been attacked by bigger dogs twice. The first time it happened I didn’t really see the threat until it had picked Terry up by the back and was literally shaking him around like a toy. The dog seemed nice enough until he got too close and Terry went apeshit, and I had to stomp on that dog’s back to make him let go… and that day I learned not to let that shit happen again. This dog was chained up outside a restaurant but somehow got loose and found Terry. I yelled at the owners as best I could, but berating people in Korean isn’t something I’m very good at.

The second time it just happened too fast cuz I didn’t see the other dog until he was about 10 feet away. This time the dog’s owner was a fucking asshole who clearly didn’t take care of her. The dog looked like some kind of boxer mix, and her tits were practically dragging on the ground so that’s a good indicator he just lets her run wild, and after a little scuffle between Terry and the pregnant bitch I laid into this guy with every variation of the F word I could think of. He wasn’t Korean so he understood me and he had the fucking nerve to yell back like his off-leash dog was somehow my fault.

So today some old Korean guy is out walking with a goddam Saint Bernard. The dog seemed very docile, was walking towards Terry, but I don’t care how fucking nice a dog seems. If Terry feels threatened he’s gonna go into fight mode, and the other dog will too. So I’m trying to shoo this dog off, and his owner is saying something like “oh he won’t bite”, and eventually I just yelled at the top of my lungs GET YOUR FUCKING DOG OUT OF HERE, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. And he grabbed his dog’s collar and walked off. He might not have understood exactly what I said, but all Koreans know the word Fuck and he definitely knew I was about to lose it.

Stories like these aren’t exclusive to Korea… assholes all over the world are negligent with their dogs… but the problem in Korea is that if someone’s dog kills Terry, the police won’t do shit. The dog-eating Korean stereotype is way overblown and Koreans do like animals as pets, but they’re generally still seen as lowly animals whose owners apparently won’t be held responsible for shit unless a human gets hurt. I could probably start a dog-fighting business here and get away with it indefinitely because Korean authorities don’t give a fuck if an animal kills an animal.

So there you have it. If I ever find myself in a Korean jail cell, it’ll be because I kicked the living shit out of someone whose dog got a piece of Terry.

And for anyone who plans on walking down the street with a big dog, even if it’s the nicest one on the planet… PUT YOUR DOG ON A MOTHERFUCKING LEASH. Thanks.

posted by Michael in Terry the Dog on 3/12/2013 | No Comments

Teetering on the brink

I “officially” quit smoking on March 5th (March 4th in USA) which was 3 months and 20 days ago. Chantix got me over the hump which was relatively easy compared to going cold turkey, and since then I’ve been living as a non-smoker which means I don’t carry cigarettes, I don’t buy cigarettes, and I definitely don’t smoke every day. But I still kind of want to smoke, especially if I have a beer or three!

Things were just fine until I got all stressed over the possibility of some asshole backing out of a deal to buy my iphoneappreviews.net website… more on that later when the situation gets resolved… and Terry has unwittingly introduced me to two girls who smoke daily and are therefore bad influences because I’ve bummed cigs off both of them in my ongoing and pathetic attempts to be charming and relatable. I don’t blame them, I blame me, but that dog really needs to start hooking me up with non-smokers.

Since I no longer buy cigarettes I can’t smoke unless one magically appears in my hand. That happened tonite when I looked in what used to be my Smoking Room (the tiny closet in my apartment where the A/C unit is) and I found this old, wrinkled, deformed thing sitting there. It wasn’t in a pack. It was just sitting there and it was kind of dirty. I smoked it! Shit. I’m bad. But that is literally the last cigarette that was in my possession, and the first one I’ve lit up since going on a weird non-date at the Han River about a week ago with this 30-something female and her dog. Terry chaperoned.

posted by Michael in Whatever on 6/24/2012 | No Comments

Terry with a towel on his head

I am now posting pics of Terry the Dog at terrythedog.tumblr.com. I’m doing it mainly because I like the big gold Esquire magazine picture frame. Terry is a magnificent beast and he deserves nothing less.

posted by Michael in Terry the Dog on 5/18/2012 | No Comments

Resistance is futile

Terry shakes down yet another ajumma for free shit

Terry shakes down yet another ajumma for free shit

posted by Michael in Whatever on 11/30/2010 | No Comments

Dogs wearing people clothes is cool, not weird

At least that’s what BHYB would have you believe!

So my friend Bri went and knit a sweater for Bama’s dog, and after making Terry try it on for size she went and knit one for Terry to keep! I didn’t ask her to, she just did it because she fucking rules at knitting and apparently she also enjoys putting clothes on animals. It’s really an impressive garment… striped collar, cableknit down the back… Bri went all out on this thing!

The good news is that BHYB already knows he’ll probably never wear it… except maybe when she and Ben come over, kind of like when I was seven and had to put on that new Izod sweater before my aunts showed up at the front door for Thanksgiving. Oh yeah, and I have to confess that Terry does look ridiculously cute in his new sweater! It’s kind of sickening.

It's like he just leaped off the pages of an Abercrobie & Fitch catalog

'Hey BHYB, thanks for the kickass sweater! Now you just have to convince my dad to let me wear it...'

posted by Michael in Whatever on 11/23/2010 | No Comments

Dogs eat free!

Well at least Terry does. Every time we walk past a food cart or a restaurant with their door open, I have to literally drag Terry away! Can’t say I blame him… if people were constantly handing me free food in exchange for wagging my tail and being cute I’d milk that act for all it’s worth. Well at least I know that if we ever get separated he won’t go hungry…

Women of all ages are powerless against Terry's awesome powers of persuasion

Women of all ages are powerless against Terry's awesome powers of persuasion

posted by Michael in Whatever on 10/20/2010 | No Comments

Doing stupid shit while drinking

Korea seems to have only two liquor laws: (1) don’t drink & drive, and (2) be at least 18-ish before you start getting hammered in public. Law #2 is very loosely enforced.

So Alaska and I were wandering around with Terry, beers in hand, and came upon a baby stroller that had been left out with the trash. Since Alaska’s a big fan of throwing out perfectly good shit (he’s about to throw away a non-stained, non-torn, 8-month old couch), I kind of challenged him to see if the stroller was flawed. He did his best to assess the item’s condition and it turned out the wheels seemed to be stuck in a locked position, but we didn’t really stick around long enough to make a valid effort at fixing the problem… although we did briefly consider trying to sell the unit to our friend Dan whose wife just popped out a baby not too long ago.

If your stroller's busted, don't bother calling Alaska

If your stroller's busted, don't bother calling Alaska

Note to self: Terry's not a fan of riding in a stroller, so don't even bother

Note to self: Terry's not a fan of riding in a stroller, so don't even bother

posted by Michael in Whatever on 9/23/2010 | No Comments

Terry = Chick Magnet

Remember that girl who was calling me a pussy as a way of getting me to drink soju, after which I promptly excused myself to go puke in a parking garage? Her name is Hanna and Terry and I ran into her at Bama’s surprise birthday bash for his girlfriend Jenny and, like most ladies, she immediately fell under Terry’s spell… and people wonder why I take him everywhere I go!

L.L. T-Dog workin' his magic

L.L. T-Dogg workin' his magic

posted by Michael in Whatever on 7/7/2010 | No Comments

Back to the basement!

Here I am in Dad’s basement again, less than six months after moving back to Korea! The main purpose of this pilgrimage is to head up to Wisconsin with dad & bro for our (3rd?) annual dad’s-birthday-fishing-trip, but first things first!

Hey baby, wanna see 9 inches of hot, juicy meat?

Korean food is great, but it's hard to compete with 9 inches of hot, juicy beef

Meanwhile, Jane and her newly-wed husband Dae-Han are entertaining Terry until I get back… or maybe he’s entertaining them? So far the reports are good, ie: he’s not pissing on them or chewing on family heirlooms. I never really thought he would, but he had never been to their apartment before I dropped him off on the way to the airport so I was only 99% sure he wouldn’t wig out! Looks like all is well in Terryland.

Doesn't matter whose house he's in... the bed belongs to Terry and that's that

Doesn't matter whose house he's in... the bed belongs to Terry and that's that

posted by Michael in Food,Vacations & Shit on 7/7/2010 | Comment (1)

It’s that time again!

posted by Michael in Misc. Videos on 6/10/2010 | Comment (1)

Terry loves treats

FYI, just in case you didn’t know

posted by Michael in Whatever on 3/25/2010 | No Comments

Hotdog FAIL

Imagine how excited I got when I saw the big sign that said “Chicago HotDog”… and then came the inevitable disappointment. I asked the lady behind the counter… almost certainly the owner since she was old… if she’d ever eaten a Chicago Hotdog. Of course not! Duh.

If it's too good to be true...

If it's too good to be true...

...it probably is.

...it probably is.

posted by Michael in Food on 3/25/2010 | Comments (2)

A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do

When a Korean girl pours you a shot of soju, you drink it… especially when you know she’s gonna call you a pussy if you don’t! Even if it means puking in a parking garage, and even if it means spending the next 36 hours curled up in the fetal position on Alaska Jae’s floor.

Sorry, I got no pics of the puking or the girl (she was hot, btw) but here’s a look at Nik’s new favorite place to eat… the “thin meat” restaurant in Kangnam. Good stuff. Oh yeah, and Alaska has recently taken to dressing up Terry with bandanas. It’s just a matter of time before I come home and find my dog wearing a pink tutu.

posted by Michael in Food on 2/8/2010 | Comment (1)

I’m back, again

Back on LIK, that is… been back in Korea for a good 2 weeks now and Alaska and I are ready to get the hell outta the wifi-less motel! More on that later. Here are some random pics.

posted by Michael in Whatever on 1/27/2010 | No Comments