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For most of the past 10 years I’ve avoided being in photos because (a) I’m incredibly ugly, and (b) I knew my goddam fake eye would be looking the wrong way. What, you didn’t know I have a fake eye? Welcome to the freak show!

So I finally got sick of wearing a substandard piece of plastic in my face and went to the guy I should have seen the last time I felt the need to buy an eyeball. Robert B. Scott Ocularists has an office in downtown Chicago (and one in the suburbs and maybe one in Florida too) and they made my first two eyes which were awesome, but the third one was made by some other guy in San Francisco where I was living at the time and it sucked. This time around I got it done right.

The process took a bunch of visits over a period of a few weeks. First they had to make a mold of my eyeball by squirting some goo over my eye, then they made a clear shell for fitting purposes (my fake eye is actually like a big contact lens, not a golf ball), then they painted the iris, then they painted the rest of the eye, and the rest was fine-tuning the fit… and by “they” I actually mean Roland Scott, the master of eye-making. Seriously, this guy is World Class.

And now comes the gross-out in the form of some photos from my eye-making adventure.

This is my profile photo on Match.com but I still haven't gotten laid... am I doing something wrong?

This is my profile photo on Match.com but I still haven't gotten laid... am I doing something wrong?

This is the thing Roland stuck over my eye to hold the goo

This is the thing Roland stuck over my eye to hold the goo

This is the impression of my eyeball that was made from the goo

This is the impression of my eyeball that was made from the goo

The eye impression turned into this clear fitting shell, and the pointy thing shows where it'll be looking while I'm trying it on

The eye impression turned into this clear fitting shell, and the pointy thing shows where it'll be looking while I'm trying it on

Wearing my clear fitting shell... maybe use this one to pick up chicks instead?

Wearing my clear fitting shell... maybe THIS is the photo I should be using to pick up girls online?

Roland put my initials on the shell just in case some bastard tries to steal it

Roland put my initials on the shell just in case some bastard tries to steal it. Those "veins" btw are actually little silk threads.

The Master at work

The Master at work

Roland Scott is an artist, and my eyeball is his canvas

Roland Scott is an artist, and my eyeball is his canvas

Old vs. New. To be fair, Old has 10 years of wear on it, but the color, fit, and overall paint job were pretty bad. New eye is a perfect match

Old vs. New. To be fair, this is a terrible photo, plus Old has 10 years of wear on it and my eye has gotten older and grosser... but the iris color, fit, and overall paint job were pretty bad from the beginning. New eye is a perfect match, way better fit, and yes all those veins and brown stuff make it look a lot more realistic when I'm wearing it.

Conclusion: If you’re half-blind like me and need an ocularist, make an appointment with Robert B. Scott in Chicago. Book a flight if you have to. Robert himself has been retired for about a million years now, but his son Roland is The Man and the day he retires I’m gonna start wearing an eye patch! I would honestly fly from Seoul to Chicago to have him do my next eye, and since I’m about to move to Seoul for the foreseeable future I may wind up doing just that sometime down the road.

posted by Michael in Whatever on 12/30/2009 | Comments (2)
  • Guest

    Hi, I’m glad you found a great ocularist. I’m not exactly happy with my new shell (feeling like it’s off a little, but maybe I’m just being a perfectionist) so I might just have to fly and seek out Roland in Chicago..

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  • Monadi

    Haha. Kind of euw. Kind of cute. You should definitely use the second picture for match.com!

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